* each Chorus repeat uses the next smaller currency on the list
[Chorus] *
HEY this is Christmas, I hope we don’t miss this
My kids have half of Wal*Mart on their wish list
But I’m flat broke so I scrape and I scrounge
All around, hey now, found a quarter/dime/nickel/penny * in the couch!
Alright, book of matches for mommy
[Devo Spice]
Things are pretty lean this year and I fear
That there may be a real lack of holiday cheer
Unless I come into some money, like if I won the lottery
Or joined a blood bank, and dug into an artery
Cause right now I just haven’t got a dime
Out of work, out of money, and I’m running out of time
And I don’t know what to do, man, haven’t got a plan
The way it’s goin our house will be as festive as Iran
Most people shop at Toys ‘R’ Us or at the mall
I’m at the dollar store and can’t afford nothin at all
I dig deep into my pocket to see what I can find
Excuse me, what can I get for two buttons and a piece of twine?
Hey there’s a toy car with some dents
And only three wheels, but it’s marked down to ten cents
Now if only I had that much money I’d be set
Guess it’s time to raid the fountain to see what I can get
[Chorus]
Cool! Now I can get my daughter that gumball she’s been wanting
[Devo Spice]
Maybe this won’t be so bad after all
I just need to get creative when I deck the halls
Like instead of a tree, I’ll use that broom over there
And hang some pantyhose by the chimney with care
Outdoor decorations won’t be hard
I’ll tie a branch on my dog and make him stand in the yard
Poison ivy works as well as mistletoe can
And for dinner we’re gonna have a big ol’ ham
Sandwich that we’ll have to split five ways
And it’s gonna have to last for a couple of days
And the trimmings, yeah, we’re gonna have all of ’em
Popcorn balls, potato chips, and M&Ms
I can’t afford eggnog or any other perk
But I found a little three month old milk that oughta work
And I think I still have a fruitcake from last year
Around here somewhere, Merry Christmas, dear!
[Chorus]
This is going right to Grandma and Grandpa
I’ll tell them to go to the casino and play the nickel slots
Maybe they’ll win a dollar
[Devo Spice]
But then my kid come to me with a list, and I think
That there’s no way in hell I can afford any of this
I say I’m sorry but I’m broke, there’s no way that I can swing it
And she says, that’s okay daddy, Santa Claus will bring it
And I feel my confidence rebound
And know there’s no way in Hell I’m gonna let my kids down
Cause children and family are what it’s all about
And besides, what’s one more mortgage on the house?
Paperwork filed, rate’s locked in
Forty-seven signatures later I begin
When I’m done shoppin I’ll be payin an amount
For around thirty years so I better make it count
For the girl, a life size walk-in doll house
With a robot maid and a butler named Klaus
For the boy, I’ll get him a race car bed
One that actually drives and has cool tire tread
For the baby, I’ll get him this big pneumatic
Type swing thing with toys, the Neglect-O-Matic
And the wife, what woman could ask for any more?
She likes shoes so much, now she owns the damn store
For me, maybe I can finally get
That private jet, nah, maybe I’ll just get a ‘Vette
I’m up to my pancreas in debt, but hey
What can I say? It’s the American way~!!
[Chorus]
Okay, I can put this on the train tracks and
Let a train run over it and give it to my son
Then he can have his own mutant, squished…
Portrait of Lincoln… or something